the dream stage....

i often find myself living in this stage of life, where i can see all the soulutions, my life turning out perfectly...waves magic wand, world rights its self, no more problems....if only. of course something always comes along and brings me back to

Harshly realistic stage...

in which i claim to never fall back in to that wishy washy nonsense of the dream stage and stay here forever...then theres the

Perfect stage

everything runs smoothly no suprises no excitement, but thats the problem, NOTHING HAPPENS! so i deiced that there is no need for that....i need excitement....so i go to

the Danger stage

which is truely dangerous, i throw aside disregard and live it up hard core, i drink when i want, i get trashed and rock and roll the days away, and everything seems better when your drunk, so you start to dream of it alwasy being like that....

Meloncoly stage

lonsome, lonely, and thinking....its short, yet increadibly long. it feels all together wonderfully horrible. but too much thinking leads to dreaming and

the dream stage......

vicous cylces, i used to think they were nonsense, now im living one.....

school was awful today. i'm soo incredible sick of it. nerr! i case anyone didnt know, im a horrible student. i rarely put really effort into it somehow i still have a's.....crazy..... anyways, im extreamly annoyed with several teachers right now. along with that i have about 5 chapters to read in three different classes, with a work sheet. i know, im hardly over taxed, but i cant help but be annoyed, its that coming back from summer thing...makes me bloody lazy.

its a simple ryhme or remedy,

a simple sick idea.

you think you are of the sumpremicy,

you make me sick with lies.

you eat away at my freedom and cut it with a knife,

when will it be enough,

will it take my whole life?

sorry moment of poetry brought to you there, by urs truely. just sprang to mind, not very good, no meaning behind it, senseless. like most things i write.

most of my agrivation lately does seem to come from my writting. i love the art soo much and i pour my soul into it; i burden my heart with the longing for its pincle production. I strive my life away and will sell everything i own, for just one day that i can find my true pen. i wish to show you all the world inside my head. its horrible beauty would hopefully scare you for life in a way that prepares you for the world while also giving you the tools to help save it. i want to give you morals, love, spirt, truth, meaning, and tangiable life force. i wish to give this all away to the world, for it belongs to you! but how do i put what i have on to paper... i want to but everytime i sit down i write piles of disgusting rubbish. its not even worth of the same rediculous level as cheap romance novels and RL Stine. im disgusted with my work and my style. i now completely understand why many great writers were considered (using the kindest forms here) "ecentric" or "depressed artist". if they feel at all like i do, they wouldnt mind a few oddits and were probly going nuts and depressed from their frustration with themselves.

yet there are those writters who wrote with mistakes and learned to love them for they mearly wanted to share a story. if i can only get past my perfectionism, perhaps i can set my soul free and share.

there is the stabing pain in my heart today. for i found out something really, well, annoying, confusing? i dont know really . i found out that the guy i like is dating someone.i dont know who she is, but im, well i guess jelouse. the thing is i always thought he liked me and thats what other ppl told me. does that mean he gave up, he's trying to make me jelous, or perhaps, maybe he is just dating her. why do i always asume that guys mean more than they say? who knows.....

im soo sick of waiting for the man of my dreams.

more than anything i hope that i can go to school tomarrow and not be a complete bitch tohim. it would be soo stupid! grrr.... but i act stupid alot.

on a lighter note, im excited to get dressed up for school tomarrow, first day....what to wear??? blue eyeliner, or maybe green, or should i stick with basic black. jeans or shorts, running t-shirt or store bought one????nerrr....why do we judge so much by looks, we even judge ourselves. its saddening to think that i actually can care that much about what people think of me, instead of focusing on what God thinks of me.

Anyone live near South Dakota? if you do think about heading to the life light concert in Souix falls/. its gonna be awesomeness. anyways.

to day was ok. i keep think about this guy friend of mine. School starts in two days and i wonder what its gonna be like seeing him again everyday. last year we were best buddies, but now, well. i just dunno. i only saw him a few times over the summer and i'm afriad things might be kinda wierd now. i guess i can only hope that he still wants to be friends at least.....

thinking of Jk rowling lately. i find far to many corrilations between her book and the lord of the rings books, although she does say taht she never read the entire thing, you only need to read the first few chapters to get the idea of putting part of your soul, being, ect. into a object. THe RING, dur! im not saying she's a copy cat, because her books are more than copying, but there are alot of simliar ideas. i like both books alot, but im just curious.....

ho hum, what should todays subject be, i can only wonder.....

how bout.....a good book to read.

personally i am rereading the lord of the rings books right now. i love them beyond belief. the story line is so captivating and adventersome. i guess the one thing that makes me like these books more than harry potter is the fact that there are no daunting hints like "who is the half blood prince?" but more just reading the the excellent storyline keeps you from questioning the destiny of the characters. i wish i had the skill to write such wonderful things, but alsa, im a terrible writter although i do enjoy doing it. i can only hope i will improve with time and practice.

but enough of that, what do all of you read and why? what captivates you and keeps you reading?

by the way, anyone who hasnt read LOTR-i highly reccommend it. bloody good book!